RECOVERY STORY OF THE MONTH

My name is Megan and I’m an alcoholic. My sobriety date is February 24, 2023. I have been at the Jean Marie House for a little bit over a year, and I never thought in my life time I would ever say that. I have been there many times, and I always tried to get through it the fastest I could, if even at all. My plan was to stay 30 days and I was gone, that plan slowly changed.

I was born in Sandusky and moved to Lakewood with my mom and grandma when I was very young. My grandma became like my mom very quickly as my mom became a single mom. I never understood why she wasn’t around till I got older. When I was younger, that was one of my biggest resentments was with her and her not being around. She was always at work and always out with friends, or with who is now my step dad.

I felt alone in elementary school and thought she didn’t even want me, I was just in her way. My grandma was diagnosed with cancer and passed away when I was in first grade, and I never dealt with how that made me feel. My mom and I never talked about feelings, there was no crying, laughing nothing. There was this pink elephant in the room feeling, and we just always walked around it.

As I got older, I started drinking when I was about 13/14 years old. It started with my older friend’s brother having a party and we were given alcohol. From then on it was every weekend, then week days. I started skipping school and eventually dropped out.

When I was 18 years old I became pregnant with my oldest son and stopped drinking, I fully believed the only reason I did was because the smell of it made me want to vomit. My son’s father drank the whole time and did other things as well and when I had my son, I started drinking on weekends again.

It soon turned into a little more substances by the time my son was 4. I lost custody of him, I let it happen though I always thought he deserved better than me as a mother. Now by this time I started doing harder substances, where if I didn’t have it I would get sick. Me being sick wasn’t good at all, I did very bad things, robbed people and places, have been on the news for crimes I committed and they were looking for me.

I had done things to people I loved with my whole heart, but not one of those people could stop me. The love for them or my son couldn’t stop me. I was a walking monster. Around this time I lost my son and right before that I lost my brother to suicide. He shot himself in front of me and my family and I believe this is where the switch in my brain happened and I started acting like it was the end of my life and it was over with. It went back to when I was younger, I never learned how to cope with anything.  I never talked about my feelings, I cover them up.

As the years go on, came more stunts in jail and treatment centers and more jails and more treatment centers. I started learning things here and there, picking little pieces up of this program. In 2019 I became pregnant with my second son. I was a few months sober and my judge and probation officer wanted me to join the MAT program and I did.

It was that or 30 months in prison and I fought it but I tried. I was prescribed the medication and I didn’t take it the first few weeks and had to take a drug test for them and I was negative for everything and they violated me. I thought about taking the time but I didn’t really want to have my baby in prison and then him be taken from me till I got out. I thought that was selfish of me because I knew he was going to go through a rough time when I had him and it broke my heart, it was one of the hardest things I had to do.

So I start taking the medication, I didn’t go to meetings, I felt like I wasn’t wanted because of the meds I was on and I walked away from anything to do with AA. I had no defense when things got rough, and they did. I started taking more of the medication a few years after I had my son, more of another medication they gave me, and I couldn’t stop.

Then I started selling the medication, giving it to people thinking I’m helping them when they were sick and I started running out. What do I do? Yes, I go back to what I know.

I woke up one day, or came to one day, I should say, and I knew in my heart I didn’t want to do that again. It was going to get real bad and quick. I was already starting to think the way I did when I was hurting people.  I just didn’t ever want to go back to that, and I didn’t feel right, I knew I had to go back to Jean Marie.

I remember laughing there and having the women there to talk to and support me and just be there for you. I knew I had to go home. So I did. This time was way different, I got a sponsor I trust and can tell anything to. There were things from when I was younger I told her about and she didn’t judge me or look at me sideways.

Things I thought didn’t matter, I thought because they were so long ago they didn’t matter to me but I didn’t know how to cope with anything.  I hold it in and never worked on it. My son’s father and I broke up, and we are working on things today. He is also in this program, and I’ve seen it help him so much.

I help when I can, I lead when asked, I’m the secretary of my home group. I never did these things before. I love all the people I have in my life today. I’m a mom today. I’m employed, I pay bills. Oh and I love the moon, I pray to it, literally. I think it’s the coolest thing and it’s bigger than me and I kind of understand it but not really and it’s almost always there. I didn’t think that ever mattered either a high power and it does when all else fails your higher power is there.